The Gumball Pastor

The following is part of a note I gave to Lois Fitzpatrick after the death of her husband, Herb.  I went to his funeral today.  Along with walking with my parents for 35 years, he also baptized me and helped foster the love I have for Jesus from when I was very young.  He was a mentor and friend.


Some of my earliest memories in my life are of a gumball machine.  As a tradition, after a Sunday morning hug from Pastor, he would invite me to go into his office and get a gumball from a machine fully stocked in his office.

But this was a special gumball machine.  It was free, no quarters needed.

Far from being concerned about the undersides of pews, it was a small gift Pastor Fitz gave to me.  But small tokens often expose great qualities in a man.

For me, Pastor Fitz was a lot like his gumball machine.  Always open, always available, free to dispense knowledge and wisdom, and he was definitively sweet.

His presence was always the understated centerpiece of a room, but what he provided was not something intrinsic within himself, but rather something that was placed within him.  With the love, grace, and humility He received from His personal relationship with Jesus, he then poured out freely and willingly to others.

I am proud to have had Pastor Fitz as my mentor, friend, and spiritual grandfather,
but I am most proud on this day to call him...

my gumball Pastor.

Revisiting

A blog is less like a mirror and more like a pool.  It reflects a person, but only a faint image, a mirage that shifts and shapes with movement and time.

It has been a little shy of a year since I have posted on this blog, and I feel it is time to reclaim it.  My absence has been more of a reflection of my reality then my writing.

The words 'ALS', 'foley catheters', 'hoyer lifts', 'Lou Gehrig's Disease', 'methadone', 'morphine', and 'suffering' have regrettably become a significant part of my vocabulary and my life in the past year.

Through reviving this blog I will hopefully recreate an outlet for some of my feelings, poetry, and quite possibly a well-placed rant or two.

A Different Question on Holiness

Holiness, Holiness is what I long for

Holiness is what I need…

You know you’ve been there.  It’s the last song…head held back, arms lifted, singing this over and over

And over

And over

And over

And….*yawn*

After eternity ends and Jesus comes back, it’s done and you walk out in the lobby (that’s church-code for “Gossip Central”), where you hear about the worship leader’s son’s girlfriend’s pregnancy, how the pastor’s socks were mis-matched, and those rumors about how the children’s director got a speeding ticket and thus needs to resign.

Is there a problem with this picture?

The words of Jesus ring ominously when He says, “Be holy, for I am holy.”  Seriously?  Jesus, who walked on water and turned water into wine?  Who went 40 days without food?  Who withstood temptation from Satan himself?

How am I supposed to be just as holy as Him?

An Attempt

If we see holiness on a scale, a grade of goodness that goes from good to bad, then giving up is the only way.  That’s the problem with religion, it puts a limit and a scope on holiness that is contextual, and then conveniently provides rules and regulations that will help the unsuspecting church-member to fit that scope.  Some of the more common rules are:

Don’t drink, it’s a sin

Don’t listen to music that isn’t Christian (minimum limit of 5 clichés per song)

Don’t miss church, that’s a sin too

Don’t hang out with too many people who aren’t Christians

Don’t question your faith

Don’t appear weak or vulnerable

Don’t challenge church leaders

Church culture defines holiness, sets the rules for attaining it, and then releases a package via an established institution for people to either follow, or “fall away”.  Ironically, this culture overlooks some overt sins like gossip, because certain sins actually enforce the rules.

A Problem

The problem is that holiness is not that simple, and Jesus wouldn’t fit in with any of these religious games churches play with.  He didn’t restrict Himself, in fact, He did the exact opposite.  He went to the clubs, the bars, and the crazy parties of His day. He made alcohol and drank it too.  He hung out with hookers in clear heels and white collar crooks who robbed the poor.  He made fun of the ‘church leaders’ of His day and cussed out Jewish holy men in the temple, saying they were sons of Satan.

So, by today’s standards, Jesus wouldn’t be allowed to give the announcements in children’s church.

A Different Question

We need to ask a different question about holiness.  It isn’t about ‘is this word holy’, ‘is this music holy’, ‘is this drink holy’, or ‘is this movie holy’. The holiness of a thing is not about the thing itself, but to what the thing points to.

Does my beverage consumption show my love for Jesus?

Does my consumption of and conversation about artistic expression show I love Jesus?

Does where I spend my time point to Jesus?

Does my social structure reflect Jesus’?

Am I authentic as to reflect Jesus?

Do I challenge sin in my own life to help others love Jesus?

Do I challenge authorities and rules that go against the principles of Jesus?

See the difference?  Everything points back to Jesus, how HE would react, and the questions don’t refer back to US and OUR definitions of holiness, but to how we are connecting our lives and choices back to Jesus. 

Holiness isn’t found in restriction, but in redemption.

Can You Sing In the Night?

"Any man can sing in the day. When the cup is full, man draws inspiration from it. When wealth rolls in abundance around him, any man can praise the God who gives a plenteous harvest… The difficulty is for music to swell forth when no wind is stirring. It is easy to sing when we can read the notes by daylight; but he is skillful who sings when there is not a ray of light to read by -- who sings from the heart… Lay me upon the bed of languishing, and how shall I then chant God's high praises, unless He Himself give me the song? No, it is not in man's power to sing when all is adverse, unless an altar-coal shall touch his lip… Then, since our Maker gives 'songs in the night', let us wait upon Him for the music." 

~ C.H. Spurgeon

The Struggle of Surrender

Surrender

What are some things that come to mind when you hear that word?  Maybe white flags, hands raised, guns down, the French?

In our American philosophy, surrender is usually something that is associated with the weak-minded and the weak-willed.  Our society prides itself in rewarding the biggest, baddest, and brawniest of persons.  Businesses and wars are run with a “we-will-never-surrender” mentality, and for the most part…it’s worked.

Unfortunately, surrender from a Christian perspective is viewed in the same way.  When we hear a phrase such as “I must surrender myself to God”, it is viewed as a limitation of freedom, fun, or creativity and thus is substituted with rote obedience.  But I think it’s something a lot different.

Surrender is a struggle.

Think about it.  Jesus died to set us free right?  But we are also called to surrender our bodies down as living sacrifices.  To mesh the two, freedom must be seen through a different lens: the struggle to surrender leads to freedom.

The Bible says that Jesus gave himself up for us, surrendering to His Father’s will.  We are called to do the same.  True, biblical surrender of our lives, wills, ambitions, and aspirations seems at first to be extremely limiting.  But there is a second part to this story.

In the proportion to which we surrender ourselves, we get unchained from the slavery of shame, guilt, ‘religious’ rules, and regulations.  The struggle to continuously surrender to God produces in the life of a Christian the increasing ability to live life the way we truly want to, freed from the desire to sin and freed to the desire to ‘put away violence and practice justice and righteousness’.

When surrender is seen as a struggle which results in freedom FROM sin and TO Christ-likeness, it becomes a joy instead of a burden, a love instead of an obligation, and allows us to engage with the true heart of the Gospel.

"Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual."

      - Octavio Paz