The Gumball Pastor

The following is part of a note I gave to Lois Fitzpatrick after the death of her husband, Herb.  I went to his funeral today.  Along with walking with my parents for 35 years, he also baptized me and helped foster the love I have for Jesus from when I was very young.  He was a mentor and friend.


Some of my earliest memories in my life are of a gumball machine.  As a tradition, after a Sunday morning hug from Pastor, he would invite me to go into his office and get a gumball from a machine fully stocked in his office.

But this was a special gumball machine.  It was free, no quarters needed.

Far from being concerned about the undersides of pews, it was a small gift Pastor Fitz gave to me.  But small tokens often expose great qualities in a man.

For me, Pastor Fitz was a lot like his gumball machine.  Always open, always available, free to dispense knowledge and wisdom, and he was definitively sweet.

His presence was always the understated centerpiece of a room, but what he provided was not something intrinsic within himself, but rather something that was placed within him.  With the love, grace, and humility He received from His personal relationship with Jesus, he then poured out freely and willingly to others.

I am proud to have had Pastor Fitz as my mentor, friend, and spiritual grandfather,
but I am most proud on this day to call him...

my gumball Pastor.

Revisiting

A blog is less like a mirror and more like a pool.  It reflects a person, but only a faint image, a mirage that shifts and shapes with movement and time.

It has been a little shy of a year since I have posted on this blog, and I feel it is time to reclaim it.  My absence has been more of a reflection of my reality then my writing.

The words 'ALS', 'foley catheters', 'hoyer lifts', 'Lou Gehrig's Disease', 'methadone', 'morphine', and 'suffering' have regrettably become a significant part of my vocabulary and my life in the past year.

Through reviving this blog I will hopefully recreate an outlet for some of my feelings, poetry, and quite possibly a well-placed rant or two.

Please Break Glass in Times of unCertainty

I’ve been out of a job for a week, but haven’t been working for almost three months.

I am a person who is driven, passionate, and loves to work, have responsibility, and lead, so this not-working/staying-at-home thing is something that absolutely kills me.  Sitting at home, getting unemployment, and trying to find jobs at churches or elsewhere…the uncertainly and lack of intensity drives me insane.

Throughout this three+ month walk along an oftentimes dark and unsure path, I am trying to be reflective of my life and walk with Jesus.  As someone who trusts in God and the Bible, I have full confidence that nothing happens outside of God’s control or by chance.  So for me, this job situation is just as spiritually impactful as going to church on Sunday, if not more.

I know from reading the Bible that God sometimes places us in these in-between situations to grow us and stretch us, especially as it relates to our faith in His goodness and love.  So the question I am asking myself constantly is "God, what are you trying to teach me".  This unsure path is meant to get me looking UP, not AROUND...and I can’t say with honesty that my eyes have stayed completely on Jesus for these three months. (Check out my buddy Pete for more details on that)

While at times I like to rebel or throw pity parties or rant at God, I am trusting that God does truly know me intimately and has a plan for me that I can either submit to or not.  Open candor with God is always better than closed and angry feelings towards God.  One opens communication, the other closes…and right now I’m trying to communicate and cry out like I’m sinking in the Sea of Galilee.

God has been continuously bringing me back to Psalm 139, especially in the past month.  I am holding on to the truth of this passage, and praying for the faith to trust that God will actually do what He says.  And instead of having little faith and sinking, I want to have big faith to be walking towards Jesus because I know if I do that, the rest will work itself out.

Here are three biblical ways to respond while walking through some of these uncertain paths:

  1) trust that God is faithful to complete what He has started in you

  2) know that all things happen to work for God's glory and our joy

  3) hope that God is blessing and will bless you in ways you cannot currently see

[for more fun, read this last sermon from John Piper. Good stuff]

If only life would allow…

i have always told you i would join
your collection of fettered friends
to write about the happenstance
of life and love and lost romance

i have always told you i would join
to bring rhymes and rhythm
or recreate rain by our rolling readings
or raise rings of ridiculous randoms
that rise to reprehensible ramifications

i have always told you i would join
your colloquial commentary for foster-child fantasies
to wonder about the haplessness
of life and love and lost romance
.